CHAOS!

The joke is on me. For the past two years I have worked on my spiritual side. I have questioned mightily my actions and reactions. I have watched. I have felt my breath, my inner body. I have asked, "Can I know with absolute certainty that it is true?" I have started the practice of meditation, actually felt myself growing calmer. I have affirmed. I have visualized. I have had glimpses of presence. I thought I saw a glimmer of enlightenment. Then BLAMMO! One situation out of my control happens and I revert back to brooding, pacing, stressing, thinking, thinking, THINKING until I want to rip my hair out. Have I learned nothing? Have I gained nothing from all of this work except maybe a delusion? I long so to be free of myself.

It is true that answers come when you take a step back and let go. I didn't do that exactly. In fact, I did something I don't normally do and that was think about the situation logically and then try to look at all possible solutions. It came to me today, after I let anger go and accepted the situation. There is more than one answer. The answer is win win (in my humble opinion) for all parties involved. I cannot talk with any person about it because of this damnable time difference. I am short of breath with thinking about it. I am impatient to tell. CAN SOMEBODY HEAR ME? PLEASE WAKE UP! What can I do to divert my attention for the next five hours? I might drive myself mad.